In my honest feedback, neither version works particularly well. They are just a trifle too obvious as punch lines. The joke seems a bit forced in the second version (the line “this machine” was just asking for it).
Maybe the gag itself doesn’t work so well in any case, so it’s not your comic that’s the problem here.
Maybe I’m overcritical, but I come to expect high standards of you, so a slight drop does jar slightly.
I agree, Krishna. While people think that drawing is hard, and anyone can write (right?), writing is about ten times as hard as drawing, in the thinking department, that is.
How about doing a short running story over several days, where you have more time to set up a situation? I like the single strips, but the story in several strips gets me more involved to read the next one. And yes, I know that is even harder. I miss those short stories, though.
Michael Kinyon
April 17, 2010 at 9:51 pmYep, I agree, Aarti’s is definitely better. :-)
Krishna
April 17, 2010 at 9:55 pmI *knew* there was a reason I married her. ;)
Jose Gonzalez
April 17, 2010 at 10:01 pmAarti wins! LOL!!! Her version sets up the gag in a more direct way. What a team!
iDorf
April 17, 2010 at 10:14 pmGotta give it to Aarti – short and to the point!
Barry Buchanan
April 17, 2010 at 10:44 pmMy wife would NEVER say anything like that to me. She’s too busy on her laptop(s) to notice.
hari
April 17, 2010 at 11:11 pmIn my honest feedback, neither version works particularly well. They are just a trifle too obvious as punch lines. The joke seems a bit forced in the second version (the line “this machine” was just asking for it).
Maybe the gag itself doesn’t work so well in any case, so it’s not your comic that’s the problem here.
Maybe I’m overcritical, but I come to expect high standards of you, so a slight drop does jar slightly.
krishna
April 18, 2010 at 2:57 amHari, sorry it doesn’t work for you.
hari
April 18, 2010 at 3:54 amNothing against the comic as such. I think you’ve put the maximum possible impact into it, but the gag itself is not so punchy.
I always tend to review from a creator’s angle, so my critiques will be a bit more intense than others…
Krishna
April 18, 2010 at 4:24 amI always struggle with dialogue. It’s the toughest thing for me to get right. I’ve tweaked it yet again.
Rene
April 18, 2010 at 6:17 amI agree, Krishna. While people think that drawing is hard, and anyone can write (right?), writing is about ten times as hard as drawing, in the thinking department, that is.
How about doing a short running story over several days, where you have more time to set up a situation? I like the single strips, but the story in several strips gets me more involved to read the next one. And yes, I know that is even harder. I miss those short stories, though.
hari
April 19, 2010 at 8:32 amThe new lighting in the panels and the tweaked dialogue actually make this work quite well. :)
Aljiro
April 19, 2010 at 9:24 amHey. This comic inspired me to cookup a blog post. :)
http://aljiro.com/productivity/taking-a-time-out/
I have linked to this page and was wondering if I can showcase your strip in my post. Let me know :)
Thanks
krishna
April 19, 2010 at 9:44 amSure thing, Aljiro! :) Thanks!
Aljiro
April 19, 2010 at 11:00 amIts up now at http://aljiro.com/productivity/taking-a-time-out/
Check it out :)
Thanks again.