10 Reasons Why I Hated Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Spoiler Alert)

Warning: Spoilers follow. If you don’t want to know about the movie, skip this blog post.

1. Stiff acting: the entire lot of the main cast looked as if they were going through the motions, except for Shia LaBouf (whose 50’s greaser character had no development whatsoever). Karen Allen and Harrison Ford not only phoned in their performances, but they lacked the on-screen chemistry that made “Raiders of the Lost Arc” so memorable.

2. Yawn worthy action sequences: the motorcycle chase sequence was boring, while the sword fighting on the tankers did not have me on the edge of my seat wondering if Indy and co. were going to survive. They should have called this part Crystal Skull rugby.

3. Ray Winstone – What I don’t understand is this: If this character betrayed Indy not once, but TWICE, why would Dr. Jones let him tag along during the entire quest. Inexplicable, and totally out of character for Indiana Jones. Especially, as (no surprise) Winstone’s character betrays Indy a third time in the end.

4. No climactic moment. Okay, Soviets follow Jones along the way, and encounter our heroes just as they unlock the secrets of the Crystal Skull. Then a flying saucer comes up and flies off. Wake me up, already.

5. No real bad guys. The Soviets were wimpy villains. Even the head dominatrix -er baddie was too wimpy to kill in cold blood.

6. Dr. Jones get canned for being a commie, then inexplicably becomes Dean of the college after finding the crystal skull. WTF?

7. Dr. Jones helps the Soviets and Mutt, feeling restless (or bored) punches the Soviet guy in the face. I thought Indy would know better than to simply let the Soviets walk all over him.

8. Gratuitous use of MacGuffin. The Shankara Stones, the Grail and the Arc were mysterious, but their power sources were kept that way until the climax of the three previous films. In this one, the Crystal Skull opens doors, repels ants, and keeps fleas and ticks off.

9. Indiana Jones gets married. Double WTF?

10. 40% of the film felt like I was standing around at a boring archeological dig in a preschool sandbox. The bulk of the movie where Jones and Mutt are exploring caves, jail cells just slowed the action down to a crawl. I won’t even mention that the movie’s overall pacing was piss-poor. Oh, wait, I just did.

Bonus:

11. Indy surviving a nuclear fallout in a lead refrigerator. ‘Nuff said.

12. Surviving three monstrous waterfalls in a Soviet Tanker. Worse than the floatation boat sequence from Temple of Doom.