The Burden of Being the Family ScapeGoat

Writer / artist / speaker Diane Collins gave a particularly powerful and resonant TED talk last year titled “Family Scapegoat, Prized, Needed and Envied” that I only discovered today. It’s well worth a watch, if nothing else, to bring awareness to an insidious condition known as narcissistic personality disorder.

A person exhibiting symptoms of this disorder can:

• Be critical and look down on people they feel are unimportant
• Take advantage of others to get what they want
• Feel that they deserve special treatment and praise
• Exhibit a high degree of envy towards others (covertly)
• React with rage or contempt and belittle others, while playing the victim when confronted with their own lies
• Use money / inheritance as an instrument of power
• Use psychological methods to put doubt into the victim’s past memory or reasoning (gaslighting)

A convert narcissist takes things further, by hiding behind his / her mask when facing other people they want to impress, only to exact their abuse on their victim when nobody’s looking (like that class bully). As the head of the household, they will often triangulate siblings against one another by feeding negative stories about the scapegoat (i.e. talking behind one’s back). They instruct everyone to avoid communicating with the scapegoat, so they can stay in control of the narrative.

Patriarchal or matriarchal narcissists leave behind a tremendous amount of collateral damage, often causing the family relationships to implode altogether. Unfortunately, based on my year long research, there is no cure.

Often times, the scapegoat is meant to feel that he / she is at fault. This can be conveyed through passive aggressive comments or giving the scapegoat the silent treatment (and encouraging other friends and family members to do the same).

I’m writing about this topic as a way to unpack a lot of feelings I’ve been having, on the eve of the first anniversary of my father’s passing. My dad was a good, warm-hearted man. I miss him so much. He deserved better. It may well be coincidence, but this afternoon as I was thinking of Dad, I came across Diane Collin’s video on my YT feed. It resonated with me at my very core.

Learning about narcissistic disorder has been absolutely a god-send. I see things that have occurred in my past that now shine clearer than ever. And the truth has set me free.

Thanks, Dad.

-Krishna

Additional resources:

Dr. Ramani’s Youtube channel.

 

 

Krishna July 28, 2024 covert narcissist, Diane Collins, TED talk